Oh, That Was Easy
by Steph42-27
Summary: A girl who's had a particularly bad day sets out for a nice walk and is randomly abducted by aliens. In confusion through spacetime, Sandra hops along the Heart of Gold with Arthur Dent and the others 2 years after her abduction.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer and the lot: Ah, I own none of the very froody characters created by Douglas Adams, nor do I own any of his original space/time theories and ideas. I do own Sandra, who is NOT actually me with a different name.she's only like me in some senses..  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Messiness, Sandra thought. Messiness.  
  
Today had been a bad day. A really bad day. I mean she has seen some bad days in her life but this has got to have been the worst.  
  
First off she woke up..late. The toaster burnt her fingers. Toothpaste smeared on her hands and she spilt a good half of Flourinse for her braces- enclosed teeth, all over the bathroom counter. Then she had to catch a rushed ride to school where she had to get a late slip. After that, she slipped on some of the water Steve had spilt and found herself with a nice lump on the head, not to mention shrouded in embarrassment. Followed by a mournful partner/group assignment in Social, she came to lunch to discover the boy she had a crush on for a dreadfully long time had begun to date a girl she hated. One of her friends came to her around the end of school and declared the end of a friendship, for thinking Sandra had said something insolent about her though she had never done such a thing, and went home with her head hung down.  
  
Terrible, terrible day.  
  
She wished someone would just come and take her away. Or for something utterly fantastical and random to happen so she could leave. Especially today. Not that she didn't wish for this to happen everyday, but especially today.  
  
Sighing, Sandra sat down on her couch to draw or write something while a certain clip of a song played on TV, and a very intense wave of Deja Vu swarmed upon her. Feeling dazed, she tried to blink away the gradually forming cloudiness in the corners of her eyes. Lovely, a migraine. Enough has happened already, it's not like something else waiting to happen just wouldn't happen, now would it?  
  
Somewhere off in England, a man was drinking tea. This man didn't know what was going to happen to him in two years. 


	2. Chapter 2

Sulking in the city of Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, Sandra was sitting on her floor. It was a particularly nice floor except for that odd brown spot that you only notice when you walk towards the television. She glared at the brown spot and knew what it was doing. It was out to get her. She knew it. Everything was the brown spot's fault, everything was the doing of this brown spot. EVERYTHING WAS CAUSED BY THE EVIL BROWN SPOT OF DOOM. It was such a random and improbable thing that it had to be the reason for coincidental bad happenings in one day. Death to the brown spot.  
  
She calmed herself down. Being an adolescent was hard. Trying not to show that you're becoming an adolescent was even harder. Well, being an adult was hardest but mostly because it just gets so boring and repetitive that it's difficult to cope with. The teenage years consisted a lot of this: assumed rebelling, presumed rejecting, and the "how soon" feeling of pain and isolation that too many people get paid for having because they've grown up to write songs about it.  
  
"How soon?" she wondered aloud. "How soon?"  
  
Quickly, she wrote a little note to her mother saying "be back in 25 minutes." Somehow those 25 minutes would turn into five hundred and seventy- sex thousand million years.  
  
As she walked down a gravel road with a vast field of wheat beside it, her eyes looked up into the stars of the dark blanket that swaths the Earth and thought. Just thought. Suddenly, something that would only happen in imagination, or in a dream popped out of an eventfully deranged day, a spaceship landed.  
  
Before a funny sort of ice-cube lump rose in Sandra's throat, she felt her stomach stir and roll like a Very Reliable Nice For Quick Breakfast Blender. A sort-of funny moving alien walked out, actually, quite like glided, down an escalator type thing which had descended from the spacecraft. She forgot what else to call it. Not an escalator. A portal? No. A conveyer belt? Nooooo. A stair case? A moving stair case? Yeah, that seems about right. Oh wait, that's an escalator. Damn.  
  
Then she remembered life forms from another planet were probably more important than a moving portal stair case transporter doo-hickey whatever it was.  
  
"Merniquisherrrrrrmp," said the alien.  
  
"."  
  
"Merniquisherrrrrmp, lattak," it said again.  
  
"."  
  
The alien handed her a fish that materialized smoothly in his hand.  
  
Hesitantly, she took it, and gazed down at it's oddly shaped mouth and yellow exterior.  
  
She didn't know what to do with it, so she asked.  
  
"What.do I do with it?"  
  
Other aliens began to emanate from the spaceship, watching her confused looks with the fish and what not.  
  
"Um."  
  
One of the aliens pointed to his hand as if the fish were in it, and then the his ear. The hand, then his ear. The hand, then his ear.  
  
"Put the fish in my ear?" she asked nervously, thinking it was going to kill her or something.  
  
They all nodded and waited.  
  
She put the fish in her ear.  
  
She felt silly after that.  
  
"Mer.n..'lo, Earthling," it said simply, with conforming English. It's voice was slow and sedating.  
  
"Oh! You can understand English?"  
  
"Yes. We can now understand you, and you can understand us."  
  
"Nice..Are you going to abduct me?"  
  
"Yes, actually."  
  
At this moment, one of the aliens protested because all the way through the trip he had felt this was a bad idea and unfair to the human, and rambled about Intergalactic Rights and such.  
  
"Ah, one moment," spoke the alien who had first spoke to Sandra, and took the fish out of her ear so she could not understand the talk among it's own kind.  
  
Bizarre sounds elicited from their mouths (or thin lip-less slits, whichever one works best) such as "opish y taker-moom" and "Yertoplomykah" and so forth. After a long while of this she grumbled and cleared her throat.  
  
"Ex..excuse.me?"  
  
They didn't notice.  
  
"Erm, pardon?"  
  
No response.  
  
"ARE YOU STUPID FACELESS ALIENS GOING TO ABDUCT ME NOW OR WHAT?"  
  
They all turned their heads, which were evidently, faceless, and gave the fish back to her to answer.  
  
"I think, yes, we are."  
  
So the aliens and the girl went into the spaceship.  
  
The inside of it wasn't very clean or presentable. At one point in time, it must have looked like a comfortable, futuristic, and enjoyable to travel in spacecraft, but everything looked quite rusted and, well, like shit.  
  
Sandra didn't know whether to take this whole abduction as a surprising event, or a scary event, or another depressing event. Actually she didn't feel induced to make it feel like any of those types of events. She felt quite calm, really, because she mildly expected something like this to happen anyway.  
  
Instantly, on one of the rather dusty computer screens, data came up on Sandra. It had it all on there: what humans called her, what humans thought what age she was, what humans were her mother and father, blonde hair, hazel eyes, shortish height and quite troubled. Ah, she thought, that's me. Nice.  
  
"Our monitoring system immediately detects any unidentified being or relatively large object that comes in here, and the computer identifies it," informed the leader.  
  
"I noticed. That's amazing. How long have you had this ship?"  
  
"Oh, about 1 over 30. In Earth time."  
  
She thought about this for a second. Math, beh. She didn't like it much.  
  
"That's a month, right? 30, as in days. Yes, OK."  
  
Sandra examined the spaceship again.  
  
"A month. You've got to be kidding me. Couldn't you keep it just a bit cleaner?"  
  
"Well, it's a rental."  
  
".Makes sense."  
  
Some of the aliens sat down on the tattered old sofas built into the walls, while others checked the computers and commenced rising the ship into the air. Fancy hi-tech noises were heard, flashing lights and the lot.  
  
Sandra saw a rather old bed, with legs that looked too high to be an average bed, but too low to have been a bunk bed. Ah, she knew what this was.  
  
Putting some effort into hopping on the bed, eventually she completed the task of laying down on it. The aliens, who realized abduction of humans was much easier than they had assumed, sensed her climbing on the bed and wondered why she was doing it.  
  
"So, what are we doing today guys? Dissecting my organs to examine the human digestive system, impregnating me using fancy alien utensils, searching into my mind for secret subconscious messages, what?"  
  
The aliens looked around at each other with their non-existent eyes. They weren't planning to put any harm to her. So, the third option sounded nice. 


	3. Chapter 3

"Bloody hell."  
  
Two years later, Arthur Dent, hapless and mentally scattered, was sitting down in a seat of The Heart of Gold talking to himself.  
  
"Bloody stupid everything.universe...SCREW IT...its just stars.and space.a lot of space." muttered the distressed man of the disintegrated planet Earth.  
  
A certain worker for The Guide heard his mutterings, and came to talk to him with alleviation.  
  
"Hi Arthur, what are you on about?"  
  
"Oh just my home blowing up, nothing important."  
  
"WOULD YOU STOP WITH THAT BLOODY PLANET? Listen, either you tell me a different problem of yours, aside from that stupid planet blowing up one, or I tell you where you can stick it and leave you to travel the galaxy alone, alright?"  
  
"Well, sorry Ford, but all of my problems were left back on Earth. In fact, everything except my mind and my housecoat were left back at Earth."  
  
"Couldn't you have packed up your problems and taken them along with you? I would've given you time."  
  
"Er, no."  
  
"Well," started Ford, with a meaningless smirk, "what other problems do you have? There's got to be at least 1 or 2 on this ship."  
  
Arthur glared corrosively at Ford.  
  
"Right. Aside from me. Come on, Arthur, tell me."  
  
"Well hmm. Aside from you, well.well I think there's one thing I'm having a bit of trouble with. Trillian, you know. The only human alive in whom I've longed for, for as long as I can remember, and I can't even have sex with her. She's with a two-headed, arrogant slob that's not even from the same planet. Talking to her is hard enough without being insulted by that git! The only other person from Earth. Only."  
  
"There you go, talking about that planet again," muttered Ford, sitting down beside Arthur.  
  
"No really. Why's she with that guy? What the hell is she doing? Are they even in love? HOW COME THEY'VE NEVER TOLD ME THEY'RE IN LOVE? AAAAA-"  
  
"ARTHUR, don't panic. Remember the words of The Guide. Always helpful. Now, breathe in deeply, and breathe out. There, nice soothing breaths. Breathe in again, and breathe out again, before you get Intergalactic Incompetent Syndrome."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Intergalactic Incompetent Syndrome. Very common in some parts of the Galaxy. It's what happens when one realizes how mind-wrenching and perplexing the Universe is, and how much is wrong with it and why they hate it so much. Then if one thinks of it too much, their body suddenly freezes and they're unable to do anything physically, and even mentally, for a while. Even some of the smartest professors get it, though of course, not often. Then, with me, working for The Guide and all, one has got to get use to the brain-boggling occurrences of this hoopy, wild, endless void. Take it from me, I know I've had a hard time getting over it."  
  
"You.?"  
  
"Yeah, I had it. But I went through it. Just cruised."  
  
"How did you.?"  
  
"Get cured? Drinks, Arthur. Lots of drinks. But to avoid it completely, just don't panic. Got that?"  
  
"Er, yeah."  
  
"Now if you want to finish off telling me how much you want Trillian that's quite alright." 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: SALUTATIONS.thanks for the reviews guys! Glad you like my story so far, it's gonna be a long one. I didn't think I was doing that well in the story, but now that I have (two) fans I feel obliged to continue this froody fic. Ah I love saying that.  
  
With one head leaning lazily to one side, and the other looking about as if to expect something, Zaphod Beeblebrox was not about to give up.  
  
He, as anyone who's anyone would know, is cool.  
  
In fact, even the people who aren't even someone, let alone anyone, know he's cool. If you looked up "cool" in the Encyclopedia Galactica, it would tell you to refer to "Zaphod Beeblebrox" which, in turn, would tell you to refer to "cool" again so you might as well just turn to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Anyway the point is, Zaphod was cool, and he knew it, and so did everybody else who knew him.  
  
"Hey, come on Tril, could we.land this ship for a bit? I gotta take a break."  
  
"What for?"  
  
"A guy's gotta keep his cool, right? Believe me, I need a rest from this ship. It's amazing alright, but all this improbability's making me go zany."  
  
"Are you crazy?" inquired Trillian, then wondered why she inquired such an obvious inquiring.  
  
"No, just zany."  
  
"Zaphod, everybody's after us! Ah you have got to be kidding me."  
  
No, I'm too cool to be rejected, thought Zaphod. Usually the synopsis for his self-coolness was thought and/or said with more cleverness and elaboration, but "too cool" described his self-coolness quite well indeed. There would normally be something like "I'm so hot, Hot Desiato's sun dives couldn't dive past me," or "I am so froody, it takes thirty-ONE Altarian Dollars for me to be purchased," and other lame quotes of the sort.  
  
Smooth cat. I can do this, hey. Yeah.  
  
"Trillian, baby."  
  
As the three-armed President began approaching Tricia, she generously lent some of her attention to random controls on the ship. The controls of the ship didn't feel like taking her attention all that much right now.  
  
"Have I told you how beautifully brown your eyes are today?"  
  
This was how he got her the first time. This was how she ended up here. This was why she wasn't back on Earth (which now does not exist) showing up for a popular news report in New York (which is also not existing) with an anchorman owning a peculiar Brooklyn accent (who, also, isn't existing).  
  
"No. You never do."  
  
"Well, I am now, right?"  
  
He, with his coolness, slid his hands around her waist and stared her down with one pair of eyes, smiling and grinning like one who's trying to persuade a human to land a ship, all in a smooth manner.  
  
"Trillian, remember when I first met you?"  
  
"Yeah. What does this have to do with anything?"  
  
"Well, because, I hardly remember. But that's not it. You were the finest most lusciously gorgeous looking human there. At that party. I wouldn't have asked any other girl even if the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon VI was there. You are so amazingly smart, too, man, I'd pay to see a human with more devastating intelligence than you."  
  
Oh, nice. Hehah.  
  
"And that body," complimented Zaphod, shifting his hands a little, "Zooowwwweee. Even the eternally swerving frame of the Universe isn't as curved as you'll be."  
  
'Come on don't give in, what's wrong with you, you're smarter than this,' repeated Trillian to herself, who was now rather ticked at the controls for not taking her attention. 'Sure he's wildly handsome, and sure he's fun, but, God, is he stupid. You'll get caught by the law, you know it. What is it that's so strangely attractive about two heads?'  
  
"Just a little landing. Nothing big."  
  
"But why do you need to get away from this ship so badly?"  
  
"I just do, you know? I can't explain it babe."  
  
"Neither can I," informed his other head.  
  
"Well.it's quite a risk."  
  
Adjusting his two hands on her waist, he took his third arm to use a finger on it to run down her jaw line and perform some other fancy romantic thing.  
  
'Creepy' thought Trillian, 'but.amazing.'  
  
Sighing internally, Tricia closed her eyes, looked up at him again, and licked her lips.  
  
"Fine, Zaphod, we'll stop for a bit. Maybe I can find a hidden sector or something."  
  
Yes. Zappo. So amazing. I am good. Getting froodier by the nano-second.  
  
Arthur sat in a corner of the ship, twitching and muttering at the fact of how much he wanted tea. 


End file.
